Off With a Bang
by LeelaSmall
Summary: It's Mabel and Dipper's graduation party, and Pacifica has a very special surprise in mind for her boyfriend [COMMISSION]


"Go ahead, Pine Tree! Cut yourself a slice!"

Dipper eyed the knife in Bill's hand, the sharpness of the blade a perfect match to the sharpness of the demon's teeth as he flashed him a wide grin. He could see his distorted reflection in the utensil's stainless-steel surface, his expression a perfect match to his state of mind: skeptical and suspicious. His sister's boyfriend had pulled some strange stunts in his day, but this one took the cake. Literally.

It had been quite the eventful morning: he and Mabel had graduated from their respective colleges and had arranged to have an afterparty at the Mystery Shack, courtesy of Soos. Dipper had spent the day expecting everything to go perfectly. He sat in the auditorium, listened to the West Coast Tech valedictorian deliver the graduation speech, received his diploma from the dean; the whole nine yards. But then, not long after arriving at his Grunkle Stan's old tourist trap, he was met with a massive multi-tiered cake, around seven feet tall, with the words 'Happy Graduation' written in frosting across the front.

Dipper wasn't sure what to think, nor how to react. The mere presence of the cake was enough to make him feel uneasy. He didn't recall ordering one, and Mabel assured him she had nothing to do with, so it was no doubt Bill's doing. He didn't know what the demon was planning to do with the cake, but certainly there was some nasty business afoot.

The brunet slowly took the knife from Bill's hand, the demon's wicked grin widening, which only encouraged his suspicions. He turned to the cake, inspecting every inch of it as carefully as he managed. It seemed perfectly normal, and admittedly quite delicious. It was covered in whipped cream and lavender frosting and looked like the work of a professional pastry chef, having been wheeled into the room on top of a small round table which seemed to be barely managing to hold its massive weight. Dipper had a hard time figuring out what Bill could possibly be planning to do with such a delectable desert. Unless he had poisoned it. He wouldn't… would he?

He glanced at the humanized triangle from the corner of his eye, who gave him a reassuring thumbs-up. Dipper gulped and carefully lowered the edge of the knife towards the cake. Soon the blade came in contact with the whipped cream frosting.

That's when the whole thing exploded.

Dipper had to wipe a massive amount of frosting off his face to regain his eyesight, after which he immediately turned back around towards Bill, who was laughing his head off despite being covered in frosting and cake bits. Next to him, both Soos and Mabel were attempting to eat the remnants of cake that had landed on them, paying no attention to the cackling demon and the now extremely ticked-off young man in front of them.

He opened his mouth, ready to give Bill the talking-to of his life, but suddenly fell silent upon hearing the sound of coughing right behind him. When he turned around, he was met with the last thing he had expected to see: his girlfriend sitting on the spot where the cake once was, snorting out frosting, with an exploded firecracker in her right hand and large lit cigar between her lips.

"This was a mistake." She muttered as she tossed the firecracker remains behind her back, paying no mind when the very top layer of the exploded cake, which was roughly around the size of a regular cake, landed on top of her head like a hat.

"Pacifica?!" Dipper exclaimed, his eyes widening in shock.

"Hey there, Dip-Dop!" she greeted him flirtatiously, crossing her legs in a seductive fashion as she brushed off the overgrown piece of cake on top of her head. "Happy graduation!"

Dipper was at a loss for words. His girlfriend was sitting in front of him, wearing a fancy and rather skimpy burgundy dress which hugged her curves in all the right places, leaving very little to the imagination. She flashed him a radiant grin, involuntarily showing off the tremendously huge, cartoonish-fat, and highly expensive-looking cigar clenched between her teeth. Pacifica didn't smoke too often, but when she did it would usually be through a long and fancy cigarette holder, which Dipper had always thought to give her an elegant look; a rather sexy look, even. She would only be seen smoking this kind of cigar on special occasions.

"Wha… what are you doing here?" he stammered when he finally managed to regain his cognitive senses.

"You didn't think I would miss my darling's graduation party, did you?" she replied with a teasing pout.

Before he could utter another word, Pacifica popped a big, fat fancy cigar, one quite similar to the one in her own mouth, into his mouth as her own personal form of celebration, and lit it with her own cigar, giving him a seductive wink. Dipper couldn't help but blush at this action, for to him it felt like a sort of pseudo kiss from the blonde. His sister and Soos noticed this as well and mocked with a long 'ooooh'. Noticing how adorably flustered her boyfriend looked, Pacifica wrapped an arm around him and pulled out her phone to take a selfie while smooching his cheek.

"This is going straight to Instafam." She declared, rapidly tapping her phone screen.

"I still have several questions." Dipper spoke up after regaining his composure. "How did you get yourself into that cake? Or better yet, how did you even make a cake? You can't cook to save your life! I've seen you set a bowl of cereal on fire!"

"Alright, no need to be snippy." She retorted, placing her hands on her hips. "You can thank your tall, golden and demonic brother-in-law for that."

"I knew it!" Dipper exclaimed, balling his hands into fists as he turned towards the humanized dream demon. "I knew you had something to do with this!"

"What can I say? Blondie wanted to surprise you." Bill shrugged, faking humility as he watched Pacifica blow a smoke ring in the shape of a triangle like a pro. "I'll admit, my first idea was to make a cake that would gobble you up instead of the other way around, but she insisted on something a bit more… inconspicuous. Not my best work, to be honest."

"I can't believe this…" Dipper sighed exasperatedly before turning to his twin sister. "Did you know about this?"

"Did I know about it? It was my idea!" Mabel grinned proudly.

"What?!"

"I was talking to Pacifica a few weeks ago and telling her about how we were both graduating soon and how you had gotten a job offer to teach at West Coast Tech, and she was worried she would get to see you even less than she did now, so I suggested she should do something to celebrate your graduation that you'd never forget. I even told her to ask Bill for help!"

"Somehow I should have seen this coming." He sighed in defeat, jumping when the cigar between his lips suddenly exploded.

"You're welcome!" Mabel and Bill said in unison, beaming at the enraged brunet.

"Alright, now that that's done…" Dipper groaned, turning back to his girlfriend as he tossed away the exploded cigar and wiped the soot from his face. "…can you please get down from there? I would very much like to get this elaborate 'celebration' over with, and I'm not sure how long that table will hold your weight. No offense."

"None taken." Pacifica replied, the table underneath her wobbling dangerously as she shifted her position. "But I regret to inform you that the celebration isn't quite over yet."

"It's not?" Dipper ask halfheartedly, trying his best to feign excitement.

"Not even close. I have one last very special treat for you." She reached over and gently tousled Dipper's hair in a seductive way, which made his cheeks redden yet again. "But first, I need you to close your eyes and promise not to open them, no matter what you might hear or feel."

Dipper gulped, feeling the flush on his cheeks increase tenfold. The way Pacifica had phrased her request made it seem like she was planning something rather intimate, but surely she wasn't to do anything inappropriate in front of his sister, his sister's boyfriend and Soos. This particular group would no doubt have a field day if they were to witness something like that. Mabel would gush to her blog readers about it, probably earning her a couple hundred new followers. Soos would tell Melody all about it, who in turn would spread the gossip to every Shack customer that would walk through the door, and in no time every single person in Gravity Falls would know about what happened in that fateful late summer afternoon. And Bill would… Dipper didn't even want to think about what Bill would do. Just the idea of him witnessing such an episode made his skin crawl.

He watched as his girlfriend descended from the table and nonchalantly lit another firecracker off of the cigar in her mouth, afterwards tossing it casually behind her and blowing up what was left of the cake.

"What's with you and explosions today?" he cocked a brow at her.

"I don't know. I've been thinking about starting a demolition company." She shrugged, innocently batting her eyelashes. "Seems fun!"

Silently praying that Pacifica would show the least bit of decorum, Dipper complied to her admittedly unusual request and closed his eyes. The room suddenly fell into an unnerving silence, safe for some almost inaudible giggles, no doubt coming from Mabel. He couldn't really feel anything other than some movement around the room, which made him feel somewhat at ease. As long as nothing was being done to him, he could allow himself to relax, although he was still cautiously attentive to his surroundings.

At some point while he waited he felt his body suddenly become weightless, almost as if he was floating in midair. He knew that wasn't an impossibility; there was a demon in the room, so it was perfectly feasible that Pacifica could've asked Bill to do something to help her with her last 'special treat'. When the weightlessness subsided, his body felt strangely constricted. Had she put a sweater on him? Or rather – judging by how tight it felt – a straitjacket?

He wasn't sure how long he had kept his eyes closed; ten minutes? Half an hour? An hour? Time sure seems to go by excruciatingly slowly when you're anxiously waiting for something, especially when your sense of sight is taken away from you.

"All ready, darling! You can open your eyes!"

Dipper slowly opened his eyes, somewhat afraid to know what they had done to him while he wasn't looking. When he finally regained his eyesight, he almost wished he hadn't.

While his eyes were shut, Pacifica had somehow brought a large cannon into the room and placed him inside it. The weapon was pointed at an open window, which did not make Dipper feel any more at ease.

"Wha… how… who…?" Dipper stammered, never having felt more confused in his life.

"Once again, you can thank your very helpful brother-in-law for that." Pacifica clarified as she gestured at Bill, who tipped his hat at them.

"BILL, I SWEAR TO GOD –"

"Hohoh, trust me, you're going to be swearing a lot more than that after this." Bill chuckled, showing off his razor-sharp teeth in a demonic grin.

"Now then, let's get this party started." Pacifica declared, giving her boyfriend a peck on the nose before moving behind the cannon.

Dipper did his best to turn his neck in order to observe the blonde's actions, despite his current impairment. With one swift movement, she took the cigar from her mouth and used it to light the cannon's fuse.

"Wait, what are you doing?!" he exclaimed, desperately trying to wiggle himself free.

"Don't worry, I'm a professional." She reassured him nonchalantly. "I've been fired out of a cannon lots of times! Like that one time at my cousin Nancy's bachelorette party."

"And at your Sweet Sixteen bash!" Mabel added giddily.

"And at that mall opening, that one time." Soos remarked with a chuckle.

"That doesn't really make me feel better!" Dipper complained.

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it." She gave the cannon a few pats before covering her ears. "Happy graduation, honey buns!"

"WAIT, DON'T –"

He didn't have time to formulate a complete sentence before he was shot straight out the window and into the sky, where he vanished with a twinkle. Pacifica proudly admired her handywork, shading her face with her right hand as a smug grin spread across her lips.

"Is he gonna be OK?" Soos asked worriedly.

"Of course!" Pacifica turned around to face her 'audience'. "Bill?"

"As much as it pains me, I suppose I can have him land safely somewhere." The demon huffed as he crossed his arms.

"Good."

"Oh. Cool." Said Soos as Pacifica turned back around to gaze in the direction where her boyfriend had been launched. "But we're getting him back, right?"

"In a minute." Pacifica replied, absentmindedly staring into the horizon for a quick second. "Alright, who wants to help load me into the cannon? I want to spend some time with my boyfriend."


End file.
